Quarantine

Well… where to even begin. We are currently home bound with all of this COVID-19/Corona virus spread in our home state of Florida. Jesse and I are both lucky enough to be able to work from home, so we are juggling working our normal schedules, taking care of our baby, and doing home projects and cleaning while we are here in the space anyway. I am fortunate we are continuing to get paid, I am fortunate we still have benefits, and our baby is safe at home, away from strangers and possible infection. Having a medically complex child in these times of crisis is very anxiety inducing. I have lost sleep, I have gotten stressed enough to take rescue medication. I stocked up on my child’s medications from the pharmacy in case they close in the near future. I am constantly weighing the pros and cons between staying home, and going to his appointments and therapy appointments, stuck between knowing that he needs them, and not wanting to risk infection.

In the last several weeks since Clinic, Corbin has made a lot of strides in physical milestones including rolling from back to belly for the first time! He got his physical therapy evaluation and pending insurance approval he will be going to PT at All Children’s twice a week. I was so excited for this to happen, and for him to get proactive help with his gross motor skills, only to be sad and paranoid, knowing that he would be in a facility with lots of strangers, children and adult alike, and whether I would want to risk him being exposed to the virus. I so badly want him to have his sessions, and we are all waiting for guidance, not knowing what the timeline for these CDC recommendations will be. We are limiting contact with the outside, only going to pharmacies and grocers when its not avoidable, going first thing in the morning and promptly leaving. Lots of hand washing, lots of hand sanitizer.

In a way I am very prepared for the social isolation, as less than a year ago I was on strict bed-rest after my fetal surgery. Jesse and I were stuck in our small room at the Ronald McDonald House for almost 18 weeks just the two of us, so we are very used to staying at home together and not going completely stir crazy. We get along, and have a large enough living space that if we need alone time, there are rooms we can go. I have the physical and emotional space to scream and cry, and get frustrated, but also to meditate and pray, and take the space to feel grateful. There are so many people out of work, and struggling, and full of fear, and there are so many medical professionals putting their own health at risk, and doing the best they can to help people through this dark time.

The most frustrating thing I have seen lately is the callous attitude of others who say “It is ONLY the elderly and immunocompromized at risk,” As if.. those people don’t matter? Those fringe groups matter. The elderly matter. Cancer patients matter. Disabled adults and children matter. It is a completely privileged and cruel viewpoint, and completely ableist. YES if I were to contract the virus tomorrow I would be fine, I would recover. But my elderly grandmother would not, my parents may not, my special needs son may not. I am willing to be bored for the next several weeks or MONTHS if it means those people, and others like them get a better shot at not getting infected. People need to look at the bigger picture.

So in the meantime, to try and flatten the curve, I am staying home. My family is staying home. We have been cuddling on the sofa, and cooking together, taking in a lot of family time. Mommy has watched Frozen II about three times already. Disney plus is constantly on in the background.

We are doing our best.

Wishing you love and light,

Laura

My Golden Child

A person who has never owned a dog has missed a wonderful part of life

Bob Barker

So about two weeks ago we lost our eldest dog Midas. I haven’t had the heart to write about it because it just doesn’t seem real. Midas was named after the mythological King, as he was adopted at a point in time when my husband was portraying him on the stage, and he also was golden in color. He was my husbands best friend, and also my first dog. I am a cat person. I have always been a cat person, I have had cats all throughout my adult life so becoming a dog mom this late in life was a treat and I was so lucky to be his mommy. Midas came into my life about halfway through his own, once Jesse and I moved in together.I am grateful for every day we had, and I loved that dog ferociously.

Midas had a traumatic experience with a bigger dog when he was young, and therefore was not the most social dog. He liked his little brother Chewie, he tolerated out cat, and he loved me, my husband and Corbin. He would often sit with me in the bathroom, and snuggled under my armpit every night once we bought our family home, and especially when I was pregnant, often spooning my growing belly. He was quiet, and intelligent, and thoughtful. He was crafty, and loved pets, and wet food. He liked long walks, and to nap in the sunny spots that would shine through our windows. He was photogenic, and exuberant, and the token LBGT member of our household (Its true! ask my husband, he had some crushes on male dogs)

Midas would lay with you when you were sick, he was very empathetic, and we would often joke that he must have been a human in his past life, as he had very deep and soulful, human like eyes. He was too smart for his own good, and would often dig through the kitchen garbage and try and blame it on his little puppy brother, or at times even fake dogs/stuffed animals. As if my husband and I would blame a beanie baby over him, standing over the evidence. He lived in many climates, and cities, going between Tampa, to Chicago, back to Tampa and then up to Pasco County to our new house. He was with us though moves, weddings, holidays, and the coming of our new family member baby Corbin.

I think the saddest part about losing him, other than the fact that it was very sudden and unexpected, was that the baby wont remember him. Their memories together will only be remembered by Jesse and I as observers. He was the best dog. On earth. It is not up for debate.

I just wish my baby boy could have grown up with him . He will be in my heart always

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My Golden boy

Slow Burn

Slow but steady wins the race

Aesop

Some days being a special needs parent is really difficult. Today is one of those days. A lot of my friends have had babies within the same six months to a year of us having Corbin and while I know that his milestones would be different than his peers, not only due to his SB but also because of his pre-maturity. at times it can make my mom heart confused and upset when I see his peers surpassing him, or younger babies hitting milestones much more quickly and easily than he can. All of his doctors consistently say how well he is doing, and how they believe he is on track, but to see kiddos much younger rolling and crawling all over the place is challenging. I feel selfish even expressing these thoughts. Mobility is not a pre-requisite for happiness, and he will achieve what he can, and I am so proud of him always. It almost is just a stark reminder of the part of me that still blames myself for his condition.

Every doctor has told me that is not the case. But when we go several weeks with no changes, and seem to stagnate, I cant help but battle the little voice in my head that reminds me that if only I had grown him better, he would not have to deal with all of this. The logical part of my brain knows this was not my fault, but some days I backslide pretty hard. I just so badly want him to know how much I love him, and how he fills me with awe with every milestone.

I will never forget the first time I saw him non-nonchalantly roll over, and then give me a face like, “Oh this is no big deal mommy!” It IS a big deal little guy! and YOU are a big deal.

You are the BIGGEST deal.

We have a clinical/traditional PT evaluation in a few weeks through the Children’s Hospital. I have heard nothing but great things about their therapists, and I cannot wait to get him in weekly therapy. I am hoping this proactive approach helps him reach some milestones that he is SO CLOSE to. I feel like he is really close to rolling over in the other direction, and to crawling, and would love some strategies to help him as much as I can.

This week has had some ups and downs… then more ups, …. and then more downs. A roller coaster of emotions for this mama.

He is getting there, in his own way, and on his own time. I need to remind myself of this from time to time.

He is mine, and he is perfect.

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picture of my favorite guy

Sleeplessness

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep

W.C. Fields

This week has been rough. The little one is in what is referred to as a “sleep regression,” and has been keeping Jesse and I up ALL night. We were blessed with one of those babies who slept through the night almost immediately, so this felt like a deep betrayal on his part. I have been the sickest I have been in YEARS, with lots of coughing, sore throat, fatigue, and insomnia due to lack of ability to breathe. For the past five to six days my husband has been exclusively waking up with Corbin in order to try and let me sleep, we are both still working forty hours a week, and trying to have some semblance of a life. It has been a rough time in our house, and it will come to a head tomorrow when we head to our FIRST Spina Bifida clinic Day. We will be travelling to Orlando, and spending the next two days doing imaging/testing and then a clinic day on Friday morning.

For SB kids, Spina Bifida clinic is a day where you go to your clinic and see many many doctors and care givers all at once, and then meet and speak about your childs ongoing care plan, their progress and general wellness and progression. To say I am nervous is an understatement. I am sure my general anxiety has been part of my insomnia, I am so apprehensive about this set of appointments. I am so grateful that the baby has been doing so well. His local doctors have been so impressed with him, but after such a complicated 2019, I am so scared to get bad news. I know I have to be optimistic and just hope for the best, but we have had such a hard year, and I know my heart cant take any more bad or complicated news.

I am so proud of this baby. He is the light of my life. I am so happy he is in our life, and he has truly completely our family. I have no words to express my love for him and his tiny heart and soul. His big blue eyes, and his smile, and his spiky hair, and his cute little belly laugh. Sometimes when you go to so many appointments, and see so many doctors, and are constantly in clinical environment you get frustrated because you want everyone to see your baby as a baby, and as a person, and not a statistic or a patient. I just want to enjoy him and cherish our time together as we approach his seventh month of life. I want people to see his fun personality and his heart, his cuddles and smiles, and not his complications or medical conditions

I am dedicated to getting my baby the best health care possible. I am dedicated to giving him his best shots, and the most opportunities he can. We are a fiercely supportive family. I will not be overcome by my fears and anxiety

He is strong. He is loved. He is capable of anything.

Wish us luck this week!

At least ONE of us is sleeping…

New Year! (Same me?)

Cheers to a new year and another chance to get it right

oprah winfrey

Well, its 2020. 1990 and 2050 are equidistant to each other as of right now. (YIKES) and here we are flooded with lots of messages about new resolutions and goals from all angles. I have fallen into those pitfalls in the past, and given myself really strict or quantitative plans and deadlines, inevitably leading to failure. This year I am going to focus on more qualitative measures, and more than anything I am going to try and be KIND to myself.

The last year has been SO hard. Over the past month I have found my anxiety and depression spiking, my menstrual cycle and hormones are all over the place despite being back on the pill. I’m struggling with a lot of acute anxiety symptoms related to hospital stays, and January and February are chalk full of inpatient and outpatient testing and appointments that keep me up at night. Quite literally. I have not been sleeping well. My goals this year are to get to a healthier place both mentally and physically. I called my primary to make an appointment regarding my physical and mental health, as both have been kind of in the dumps. I had my well woman visit, I hired a personal health trainer, and am working on exercise and healthy eating habits. I need to be the best me I can be, in order to navigate the very hard world of special needs parenting, and be the best mom and advocate I can be for my son.

One step at a time…

Update to follow, hopefully next month on how all of those things are going. So far I am battling a lot of anxiety and dealing with a lack of self worth. That is baggage I do not want to bring into the new decade.

As far as a baby update, he is doing great. He now rolls from stomach to back (although only when HE feels like) we are close to getting back to tummy, but we cannot figure out what to do with our hands. We are working on applying for secondary PT to come to the house, most offices are still closed for the holiday so been some red tape.

The only bummer for 2020 so far, and I am sure this is a bummer for many of the families I know that have medically complex children, is that as of Jan 1, all deductibles and out of pocket maximums start over.

My reaction to the new insurance year starting

Stay healthy everyone, and talk soon

-Laura

Onward and upward

As of tomorrow my little baby Angel will be FIVE MONTHS OLD. I cannot believe it! If you had asked me even three months ago, still in NICU how I would be feeling at this moment, I would not even know what to say. It all felt so un-ending, and while I have anxiety over some upcoming neurosurgery appointments, overall I am going into the winter holiday season in a great mood. It is hard some days, to not dwell on how hard things were at the beginning, I almost feel like I am waiting for the other foot to drop. I think that is a voice that all special needs parents hear in the back of their head from time to time.

“Oh he is doing so great!” ……. For NOW

“He is making so much progress” …….Just you wait

I think I am so pleased with how great he has been doing, and how amazing his care has been, but am realistic enough to know that we will not be without struggle and complications. Do I delude myself into thinking everything is perfect, knowing that the rug will eventually come out from under me? Or do I be more realistic and attempt to not let that snowball into pessimism.

I think that I just need to take everything one day at a time. With each appointment, and physical therapy session, and bill, and phone call, I need to just take a deep breath and live in the moment. I need to enjoy my baby while he is a baby. I need to get those late night, and early morning cuddles, and play peek a boo.

Baby seems to recognize faces a lot better now. Which has been so nice, as I was worried about going back to work, and losing our connection. When his Daddy or I pick him up from the grandparents in the afternoon he greets us with smiles and squeals! He is getting along better with his puppy brothers, and the cat is starting to explore his room, and decide that they are at least neutral. He is such a happy and joyful little boy, and so full of life.

We are so lucky.

Image may contain: 3 people, including Laura Gonzalez Hutson, people smiling, people sitting

Friends and Food

The thankful receiver bears a plentiful harvest

william blake

As we enter into Thanksgiving week, and the beginning of the holiday season, I wanted to reflect on what I am the most thankful for, that of course being my family. We spent the weekend surrounded by friends, eating good food, and will continue to do so as the week moves forward. Siblings, cousins and relatives will be arriving to celebrate Thanksgiving, and the both literal and metaphorical harvest of the year.

I feel so lucky so be at home and celebrating with my family after what seemed like an eternity in the hospital. The word that keeps coming to mind for me at this moment, is “bounty.” I feel so full of love and hope for baby, my family, and our life, and am so happy to have him with me everyday. He is thriving, and we are so happy as a unit. I cannot imagine not having him in my life. I am so excited to see what we have in store for the winter, and look forward to celebrating the Yuletide season. More updates to come! My heart is full.