Slow Burn

Slow but steady wins the race

Aesop

Some days being a special needs parent is really difficult. Today is one of those days. A lot of my friends have had babies within the same six months to a year of us having Corbin and while I know that his milestones would be different than his peers, not only due to his SB but also because of his pre-maturity. at times it can make my mom heart confused and upset when I see his peers surpassing him, or younger babies hitting milestones much more quickly and easily than he can. All of his doctors consistently say how well he is doing, and how they believe he is on track, but to see kiddos much younger rolling and crawling all over the place is challenging. I feel selfish even expressing these thoughts. Mobility is not a pre-requisite for happiness, and he will achieve what he can, and I am so proud of him always. It almost is just a stark reminder of the part of me that still blames myself for his condition.

Every doctor has told me that is not the case. But when we go several weeks with no changes, and seem to stagnate, I cant help but battle the little voice in my head that reminds me that if only I had grown him better, he would not have to deal with all of this. The logical part of my brain knows this was not my fault, but some days I backslide pretty hard. I just so badly want him to know how much I love him, and how he fills me with awe with every milestone.

I will never forget the first time I saw him non-nonchalantly roll over, and then give me a face like, “Oh this is no big deal mommy!” It IS a big deal little guy! and YOU are a big deal.

You are the BIGGEST deal.

We have a clinical/traditional PT evaluation in a few weeks through the Children’s Hospital. I have heard nothing but great things about their therapists, and I cannot wait to get him in weekly therapy. I am hoping this proactive approach helps him reach some milestones that he is SO CLOSE to. I feel like he is really close to rolling over in the other direction, and to crawling, and would love some strategies to help him as much as I can.

This week has had some ups and downs… then more ups, …. and then more downs. A roller coaster of emotions for this mama.

He is getting there, in his own way, and on his own time. I need to remind myself of this from time to time.

He is mine, and he is perfect.

Image may contain: one or more people
picture of my favorite guy

Sleeplessness

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep

W.C. Fields

This week has been rough. The little one is in what is referred to as a “sleep regression,” and has been keeping Jesse and I up ALL night. We were blessed with one of those babies who slept through the night almost immediately, so this felt like a deep betrayal on his part. I have been the sickest I have been in YEARS, with lots of coughing, sore throat, fatigue, and insomnia due to lack of ability to breathe. For the past five to six days my husband has been exclusively waking up with Corbin in order to try and let me sleep, we are both still working forty hours a week, and trying to have some semblance of a life. It has been a rough time in our house, and it will come to a head tomorrow when we head to our FIRST Spina Bifida clinic Day. We will be travelling to Orlando, and spending the next two days doing imaging/testing and then a clinic day on Friday morning.

For SB kids, Spina Bifida clinic is a day where you go to your clinic and see many many doctors and care givers all at once, and then meet and speak about your childs ongoing care plan, their progress and general wellness and progression. To say I am nervous is an understatement. I am sure my general anxiety has been part of my insomnia, I am so apprehensive about this set of appointments. I am so grateful that the baby has been doing so well. His local doctors have been so impressed with him, but after such a complicated 2019, I am so scared to get bad news. I know I have to be optimistic and just hope for the best, but we have had such a hard year, and I know my heart cant take any more bad or complicated news.

I am so proud of this baby. He is the light of my life. I am so happy he is in our life, and he has truly completely our family. I have no words to express my love for him and his tiny heart and soul. His big blue eyes, and his smile, and his spiky hair, and his cute little belly laugh. Sometimes when you go to so many appointments, and see so many doctors, and are constantly in clinical environment you get frustrated because you want everyone to see your baby as a baby, and as a person, and not a statistic or a patient. I just want to enjoy him and cherish our time together as we approach his seventh month of life. I want people to see his fun personality and his heart, his cuddles and smiles, and not his complications or medical conditions

I am dedicated to getting my baby the best health care possible. I am dedicated to giving him his best shots, and the most opportunities he can. We are a fiercely supportive family. I will not be overcome by my fears and anxiety

He is strong. He is loved. He is capable of anything.

Wish us luck this week!

At least ONE of us is sleeping…

Homeward Bound

There’s no place like home.

Dorothy Gale- The Wizard of Oz

Hello there everyone! Long time no see… er.. read I guess. Quick update, and a readers digest version of our discharge story! Per my last blog post I went home to FL for a few days to get my head together. Of course on my way TO Tampa, my husband was informed by the NICU team that we were being discharged in two days. This was amazing news, but now I was in Florida. GREAT. So I had a SUPER quick trip home, and then booked it back to Philly, left the airport bright and early on that Wednesday morning, went STRAIGHT to CHOP, and met my husband. We signed a lot of paperwork, did some aftercare discussions with the nurses and nurse practioners and then we GOT TO LEAVE. It was SO SURREAL. We were taking OUR baby home! I didn’t quite believe it. I was sure that even as we were standing on the train platform readying ourselves to board the long Amtrak back to Florida, I was sure that someone in scrubs was going to pop out from behind the train car and say, “JUST KIDDING, Takes backsies!”

There were no take backsies, but that did not mean that our initial journey home was any easier. The baby had been sent home with an apnea monitor, he was still suffering from occasional apnea due to his prematurity, and while they had all been pretty mild events, the NICU team sent us home with a monitor, until further notice, we are still currently being monitored and working with the apnea team closely to this day. (Over a month later! Hello as this is an update from the future!) We are still in serial casting for Corbin’s clubbed feet, but overall his treatment is going well.

The transition home was happy but difficult. Lack of sleep, lots of bills, and the reality of coming home was both very welcome but also somewhat foreign. My parents and both of my sisters picked us up at the train station in Tampa after a 5 hour delay in the Carolinas. At this point we were dirty, hadn’t gotten any sleep, barely anything to eat, and I was out of both breast milk and formula for the baby, so was scrambling to get home. My sister Katie was bawling as we got off the platform and loaded the car, everyone was very emotional after the last six months finally seemed to be coming to an end. Or at the very least a beginning of the NEXT chapter of our lives.

The train was exhausting. It was loud, and there was no way effective way for us to set up the apnea monitor, so we took turns napping at night, while the other parent stayed awake to watch the baby breathe. It was not very fun, as my anxiety taking the baby home was already sky high. 0/5 stars, I do not recommend. It was rough, I cannot express how terrible I looked at the end of this journey. In days (at that point) old clothes, dirty hair, smeared makeup. My parents drove us back to our house. MY HOUSE, I GOT TO BE IN AND SEE MY HOUSE. It was so magical. Grandparents and siblings watched the kiddo while we were able to take very well deserved showers.

Since then we have spent the last month at many many doctor appointments. We have had a transitionary visit at our new Spina Bifida Clinic’s neurosurgeon, who I REALLY like. He said Corbin’s scans looks amazing, and we are doing a follow up in December just to make sure nothing major has changed. He is eating like a champ, (and pooping too!) Out next big hurdle will be getting his urodynamics done at a local urologist to make sure things are ship shape. His pediatrician has been very kind, we are getting our shots, and doing normal baby things. So far he is reaching milestones. He is head lifting, and tracking, and cooing. We still need to work on sleeping through the night but we are getting there!

Mommy is happy to be home. Its hard, but its… ours ❤